Need some help: wife opposes me carrying

[SouthernBoy]

Yes, but I'd rather not do it at the expense of my marriage. It's just trying to figure out how to get her to accept it without her giving ME an ultimatum.

With due respect for both you and your lady, may I suggest that if she were to give you an ultimatum of "either the gun or her", your marriage is already in question.

I understand your plight and it is not an easy one. When I got married I was already a firearms enthusiast. Had my intended wife been opposed to my interests in this area and had she put pressure on me, we would never have gotten married. Same for my views of raising children. Fortunately for the two of us, we see eye to eye on such matters. She grew up around firearms so that issue was and is no problem.

You have a bit of a task on your hands and you have my best wishes in your endeavor. Others have made some excellent suggestions of how you might handle this by trying to convince her that you carry not only for your protection but for her's as well. And it is out of your love for her. If you just cannot get her to accept this, carry but be as discreet as you can. The one thing that will change her mind for certain is if you ever are caught up in something where you need that gun. Then the adage, "it's better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it" will have meaning to her.

I still am firm in my beliefs that your rights supersede her wishes. Voting, writing letters to the editor, your religious beliefs.... all of this unquestionably takes precedence over her comfort and her wishes. Why not the carrying of a firearm for protection? I see no difference here.

 

[OC for ME]

Wow, quite a lot to cover here, so here goes: <snip>

But I don't want to give her that kind of ultimatum. I'd like her to accept it, but not completely reluctantly. I'm just trying to figure out how to get her there.

<snip>

Yeah, this is a tough one. Her objections don't seem to be so much about ME carrying as much as carrying in general(I think she sees it as being paranoid). AND she doesn't much like having the gun in the house in the first place. She accepted my hunting rifle because it served a specific purpose, and when not in use it is locked up. But with a handgun, she just seems to think it's unnecessary.

Yes, but I'd rather not do it at the expense of my marriage. It's just trying to figure out how to get her to accept it without her giving ME an ultimatum.

First, let me address the crowd.

The above tells us all we need to know. If...IF, I read this right, she is anti-gun. It does not matter who.

Back to the OP. I can't help ya brother. You know all that you need to know about her position. Your marriage is more important that your gun, no big deal. If she goes to a gun range, takes a ladies course, watches videos of women who were anti but are now pro, she may come around, or at least tolerate. But, there is, based on what you have posted, a very slim chance that she will change her position at this point. But, ya never know. Waiting, NOT WANTING, for a "event' to convince her is not a option.

As I stated earlier, carry CCW may be the manner until her tolerance level is such that the occasional OC won't.....may not, be a issue. Ultimately, it's up to her. You have abdicated your position and laid it, the decision, on her.

Or, now that we know a little more, don't carry and avoid the possible ultimatum all together.

com·pro·mise - noun \ˈkäm-prə-ˌmīz\

: a way of reaching agreement in which each person or group gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute

It seems that she has given up something, the handgun stays in the house. It is your turn now, it seems.

Good luck.

 

[OC for ME]

Bingo!

I brought my first handgun home back in 1996... The wife took one look at it and said... "I WILL NOT HAVE A HANDGUN IN MY HOME!" She was watching ALOT of OPRAH back then.

Without looking up I said... "Your mother is 2 hours south, have a safe trip."

She stormed off to the bedroom, slammed the door, came out 2 hours later, "guess she could not come up with an objection to her active duty Infantry soldier/husbandbeing armed... And never brought it up again.

...and yes, we are still happily married. She is a 50/50 decision making partner on every issue... EXCEPT this one. I don't tell her how to decorate the home and she does not tell me how or when to defend it.

If your spouse values you, over her winning, then there will be no 2 hour trip. +1

I have little say in the running of my castle, then again, what king really does. However, I am the king and there are certain discussion that we will not discuss[SUP]1[/SUP].

My queen long ago learned where I will be lead, and where I will not go. She has never attempted to take me where I will not go.

[SUP]1[/SUP] Yes, this post was approved in advance by the queen.

 

[Bernymac]

If you have been doing the "marriage - one that works and lasts - is a two-way street. " routine from 1999-2014 and her being anti-gun since the "part of a finger being blown off" incident with a relative...:shocker: I doubt you are going to be able to put a chink in that armor now.

 

[WalkingWolf]

Bingo!

I brought my first handgun home back in 1996... The wife took one look at it and said... "I WILL NOT HAVE A HANDGUN IN MY HOME!" She was watching ALOT of OPRAH back then.

Without looking up I said... "Your mother is 2 hours south, have a safe trip."

She stormed off to the bedroom, slammed the door, came out 2 hours later, "guess she could not come up with an objection to her active duty Infantry soldier/husbandbeing armed... And never brought it up again.

...and yes, we are still happily married. She is a 50/50 decision making partner on every issue... EXCEPT this one. I don't tell her how to decorate the home and she does not tell me how or when to defend it.

+1 She will get over it, and respect you as a mate for standing your ground. IMO if she does not respect you she is not the right woman. It is no different then men telling women how they can dress, or how much makeup they can wear.

 

[OC for ME]

If you have been doing the "marriage - one that works and lasts - is a two-way street. " routine from 1999-2014 and her being anti-gun since the "part of a finger being blown off" incident with a relative...:shocker: I doubt you are going to be able to put a chink in that armor now.

It is the gun, and not the gun operator, in her mind. No gun, finger not blown off. :banghead:

The marriage will come first and foremost, as it should. Too bad she values her position more so than he.

 

[XD40sc]

Very simply your wife has as much right to tell you when and when not to carry as you do to what clothes she wears.

+1
Best answer in the whole thread.

 

[Kopis]

i havent read through the last two pages of posts but one post did make me remember something. We live in a small town, little crime. Anyway,sometimes she would chide me for carrying a gun in the house until a year or two ago, three thugs kicked in the front door of the house right across the street for a snatch and run. Had she been home, not feeling well, etc. Having that gun on your side wouldve likely made for a better ending to the robbery for her and i and not so good for the would be robbers. It's unlikely to happen just as i am unlikely to need a spare tire but i still have one.

 

[SouthernBoy]

I brought my first handgun home back in 1996... The wife took one look at it and said... "I WILL NOT HAVE A HANDGUN IN MY HOME!" She was watching ALOT of OPRAH back then.

Without looking up I said... "Your mother is 2 hours south, have a safe trip."

I had a similar situation in my home in 1980. I was going to college part time in the evening and working full time during the day; a 48 to 52 hour job. Between my studying and my work, I had very little time left for my wife and daughters. I come home from work and close myself in our bedroom only coming out for dinner on weekdays and other food on the weekends. I was as much as not being home for three years and it came to a head in the fall of 1980. She threatened to leave and take the children to her mother's and I told her to go ahead but I wasn't about to drop out of college. When she saw that I was not about to budge, she relented and stayed. But I was serious. My education came first at that time in my life and it continued for four more years.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do and be damned with the consequences.

 

[BB62]

I think the OP's problem is that he honestly believes that he's going to be able to overcome irrational and illogical fear with facts and logic - and failing to recognize that it ain't gonna happen - at least not with him as the persuasive party.

This will be an interesting thread to check back on in a few months or a year, when and if he comes to that realization.

 

[Seigi]

You guys are funny. Apparently because I compromise with my wife, somehow I'm a pu$$y...

That word turns up a lot during RKBA discussions, almost exclusively in the context of justifying a narrowing of gun possession, and I tire of seeing it misused.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk

From the nearest online dictionary:
com·pro·mise
/ˈkämprəˌmīz/
noun
noun: compromise; plural noun: compromises

1.
an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

It doesn't sound like she made any concessions. Thus, there was no compromise. What we have here is simply accepting the will of another for nothing more than to keep her from complaining. Looks familiar.

sub·mis·sion
səbˈmiSHən/
noun
noun: submission

1.
the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

"Compromise" is a lot easier on the ego than "submission", and the latter can be fictitiously converted to the former simply by reclassifying the autonomy one previously possessed as something that belonged, at least in part, to another and so had to be conceded by them - the partial retention of one's own independence is thus benchmarked against losing it all and appears, in that contrived comparison, to be a victory. I say "simply" and not "merely", because despite the ease with which it may be naively done, the act undermines the essential humanity of the actor every time it is committed by converting their aspiration to freedom from something they stubbornly defend as their right to something they seek to have given to them by the very people who have demonstrated an inclination to steal it.

Knock it off, OP. Stand up for yourself, even to your wife. If she loves you, if your relationship is anything remotely resembling a healthy one, she won't leave you for being assertive. Any friction that results is attributable to her overstepping, not your refusal to validate it.

 

[Bernymac]

Knock it off, OP. Stand up for yourself, even to your wife. If she loves you, if your relationship is anything remotely resembling a healthy one, she won't leave you for being assertive. Any friction that results is attributable to her overstepping, not your refusal to validate it.

And there you go! The OP may have been conditioned into thinking that there is a compromise...like the anti-gun agenda.

 

[wrearick]

Dave,
This may work for you, but you have to put it in your own words, not use mine.

I love my wife very much. Like you, I would jump to the aid of a stranger. I would go to any length to protect a threat to my wife or another person I loved. "IF", a situation happened upon us, I would use any means at my disposal to defend my wife, keys, ball point pen, fists, feet, teeth, anything I could get my hands on regardless of what the other person had for numbers or a weapon. I could not live with myself if I stood by and allowed her to suffer harm. The world we live in today is not the world we grew up in. There were less people, and you knew everyone in your neighborhood, and because of that, neighbors would stand up for and look out for each other. Today too many people just walk the other way or walk on by. I am sickened when I view some of the assults recorded and posted on U-Tube (search Knock out game) and the number of people that walk around a man lying on the ground or don't stop a group of punks from beating on a helpless person. The police are overwhelmed and often reduced to a reactionary role after the assult is over. I believe in God and trust in him to watch over me but also believe that God gives us the tools and opportunities to prepare ourselves and not wait to be handed our needs in life. My wife has physical challenges and so I work two jobs to make ends meet. I don't expect God to provide for me to sit home and say "help me God". I was blessed to be born in this country where I have the freedom to own a firearm if I choose to. Last year I availed myself of that right. My wife did too (I am blessed in that respect that she sees the evil in the world and refuses to turn a blind eye to it or trust someone else to be responsible for her).

Wether your wife wants to admit it or not the world we live in today is more dangerous than that of 30-40 years ago. That means the chance that we will be placed in a life threatening position is, while still small, greater than it was 30-40 years ago. I will not go out meekly or allow someone to harm my wife. I will attack unarmed if need be. I have a much better chance of surviving (and accomplishing my goal of protecting her from harm) if I have a firearm available. I would hate to have something happen to either one of us that I could have prevented because I left my firearm at home and didn't have it that one time I needed it. I know my wife would feel terrible if, due to her insisitance, I was unarmed and was forced into a position that I had to fight back and was badly wounded or killed. The knowledge that I could end up that way would NOT stop me from engaging my/our attackers - I would rather die trying than to meekly let them do harm to my wife. Knowing I am built that way, my wife would rather see me armed and better able to comeout of the situation in one piece than care what people think if they see me armed.

Anyway, I have prattled on enough, but if my wife had reservations on my carrying I would look at possible situations and outcomes and decide which choices I could live with and which ones I would regret for the rest of my life. Be Safe.
(married now to the same woman for 31 years and counting).

 

[SFCRetired]

To All and especially DaveT

My wife was raised in a society where the only people who legally possess firearms are the military and the police. The first time I took out my firearms to clean them, both she and our daughter almost went into hysterics. After I managed to get them to calm down, we had the talk about how a firearm is only a tool, how it is a right to own and carry, and about how I loved them both too much not to have the means of protecting them.

DaveT, I wish we lived where your wife and mine could sit down and have a long heart-to-heart talk. My lovely bride went from being scared to death of firearms to where she nags me to put it on when we are going out. She does not really care to carry herself, but she does know how to use mine.

And, yes, she put the holes she is pointing to in that target. With my .45, no less!

 

[DaveT319]

Some good posts lately, and some obnoxious ones. To those saying she was the one in control and that it wasn't a compromise, let me try to clarify something for you: the compromise on HER part was accepting that there was going to be a handgun in the house. The compromise on MY part was that the gun would be unloaded and put away during the day. Keep in mind, too, that since I made the decision to start open carrying - without consulting her - her conditions are no longer being adhered to, as the gun is now loaded 24/7, and on my hip from the time I get dress in the morning until I go to bed at night. The issue now is that she doesn't like that I'm carrying at all, though I have not stopped doing so. Some of you kept acting like I was bowing to her wishes; what I've been trying to do is simply find a way to get her to accept that I will be carrying from now on.

Now, further developments: last night we had another talk about it. She brought up her objections, and I addressed them as best as I could.

• One was that she was worried someone would see me carrying in public, which would tell them we have at least one gun, follow us home, and burglarize the place. My response was that if they saw me out in public with it, why would they think that it would be left at home to be stolen? And would they really be stupid enough to break in while we're home KNOWING that I'm carrying a handgun?
• Another was that she didn't want people looking at us funny or acting weird. I pointed out that in the 3 weeks I've been carrying, I've not noticed a single person who noticed it except for one where we ended up having a conversation about open carry.
• She said she didn't understand wearing it some places, like the grocery store, or the hardware store, or the gas station. Places like that. I pointed out that something bad could happen in any one of those places, and that we'll never know until it happens. I made sure to make the comparison to wearing a seatbelt when riding in a car, or in our case, wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle: you do so not for the accident that you EXPECT to happen, but for the one that MIGHT happen. I brought up the mall shooting in Portland (not far from here), the shooting at the movie theater in Colorado, and even Sandy Hook as examples of shootings that happened in places that you might not expect them.

At this point, I think I'm starting to get through to her. The test will be the next time we go out somewhere, and how she reacts to me carrying that time. We have made one COMPROMISE, though: when we visit her family, she wants me to leave it in the car so as not to have any potential issues or conflicts, which for now I'm agreeing to. I tried to point out that something could happen while we're at their homes just the same as when we're at our own home, but at this point I'm going to give in to that part.

So it would seem I've made some headway. I want to thank those who made supportive posts, as I think some of your suggestions on how to approach the issue really helped.

 

[WalkingWolf]

OP you have to keep in mind YOU brought your issues to light in a open forum. If some of the advice opinions is too much for you maybe a counselor would be a better option, you might not like their advice/opinions either.

As much as you don't like hearing this, but if you are a doormat, you will get walked on. And the road to gun control is paved with compromise. All in all it is your choice, but you shouldn't complain about opinions YOU asked for. Next time tell us how you want the members to post beforehand.

 

[DaveT319]

I asked for help and suggestions, not comments about how weak I was being by actually trying to help her accept this rather than "my way or the highway" crap.

 

[davidmcbeth]

I asked for help and suggestions, not comments about how weak I was being by actually trying to help her accept this rather than "my way or the highway" crap.

OK..but really, she doesn't care when I carry ...

what help are you looking for :

"Society of men whose wife's won't let them carry and for men who cannot tell them too bad"?

Final countdown baby!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcJ-wNmazHQ

 

[WalkingWolf]

I asked for help and suggestions, not comments about how weak I was being by actually trying to help her accept this rather than "my way or the highway" crap.

Your opened the door for all opinions. Again you picked the wrong venue to whine to, hire a counselor! Members here have shown you the respect to be honest, not blow smoke up your arse.

 

[PistolPackingMomma]

Some good posts lately, and some obnoxious ones. To those saying she was the one in control and that it wasn't a compromise, let me try to clarify something for you: the compromise on HER part was accepting that there was going to be a handgun in the house. The compromise on MY part was that the gun would be unloaded and put away during the day. Keep in mind, too, that since I made the decision to start open carrying - without consulting her - her conditions are no longer being adhered to, as the gun is now loaded 24/7, and on my hip from the time I get dress in the morning until I go to bed at night. The issue now is that she doesn't like that I'm carrying at all, though I have not stopped doing so. Some of you kept acting like I was bowing to her wishes; what I've been trying to do is simply find a way to get her to accept that I will be carrying from now on.

Now, further developments: last night we had another talk about it. She brought up her objections, and I addressed them as best as I could.

• One was that she was worried someone would see me carrying in public, which would tell them we have at least one gun, follow us home, and burglarize the place. My response was that if they saw me out in public with it, why would they think that it would be left at home to be stolen? And would they really be stupid enough to break in while we're home KNOWING that I'm carrying a handgun?
• Another was that she didn't want people looking at us funny or acting weird. I pointed out that in the 3 weeks I've been carrying, I've not noticed a single person who noticed it except for one where we ended up having a conversation about open carry.
• She said she didn't understand wearing it some places, like the grocery store, or the hardware store, or the gas station. Places like that. I pointed out that something bad could happen in any one of those places, and that we'll never know until it happens. I made sure to make the comparison to wearing a seatbelt when riding in a car, or in our case, wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle: you do so not for the accident that you EXPECT to happen, but for the one that MIGHT happen. I brought up the mall shooting in Portland (not far from here), the shooting at the movie theater in Colorado, and even Sandy Hook as examples of shootings that happened in places that you might not expect them.

At this point, I think I'm starting to get through to her. The test will be the next time we go out somewhere, and how she reacts to me carrying that time. We have made one COMPROMISE, though: when we visit her family, she wants me to leave it in the car so as not to have any potential issues or conflicts, which for now I'm agreeing to. I tried to point out that something could happen while we're at their homes just the same as when we're at our own home, but at this point I'm going to give in to that part.

So it would seem I've made some headway. I want to thank those who made supportive posts, as I think some of your suggestions on how to approach the issue really helped.

Sounds like you are making progress, together. Maybe not with the same enthusiasm, but with some measure of respect.